I'm a National MP, get me out of here!
OPINION: The following election programme is recommended for voters aged 18 years and older. Contents may offend some viewers and voter discretion is advised. Previously on Natfix ... National Party leader Soyman Brudges is rolled by Toad Mullet and Nucky Koye, after Soyman fails to gain cut-through with the electorate from constantly undermining the Governments Covid-19 response. Mullet and Koye bounce off the corridors, recklessly accusing long-term colleague Paul Goldsmith of being Maori. Mullet denies lack-of-diversity accusations and tries running interference, constantly referring to the Governments border controls and quarantine management as shambolique. READ MORE: * It's back to the past with Collins and Brownlee * Judith Collins, the new leader of National Party, promises to 'crush' the Government * It was all downhill for Todd Muller after a National Party leak Leaks over patient Covid-19 information by Nationals black ops director, The Boag, causes Clutha-Southland MP Hamish Walker to resign, and to put homeless man-hunter list MP Michael Woodhouse under suspicion. MediaWorks AM television show host Mark Richardson offers to throw his hat into the ring as a candidate for the jinxed deep south seat, vowing to stand on a platform of bluff and oysters. Worried Nat members beg Gingerbread (aka Tom Sainsbury), currently lost in the bush, to step in and clean out the drop-kicks. All panic ensues as Mullet announces his resignation as leader, causing the caucus to rush to the capital to prevent a furniture sale (made from finished-product kauri swamp logs). The party opts for the Hendrix Experience, voting Crusher Collins in as leader. Along with the G Unit, Gerry Brownlee, as deputy, the Judy/ Gerry duo makes for a safe pair of smirks. Controversial Crusher tells media she wants to move on from the leaked document scandal, and to draw a line over any revisionist history of her dubious past. Collins says her learnings from dirty politics is to never put anything in writing, and is vague about contact with the right-wing blogger Cameron Slater, as if he was a bug she once saw under glass in a natural history museum. Meanwhile, Natfix producers meet with programmers to schedule an emergency Zoom meeting to try and decide what genre to call this fast-moving series, as droves of senior National MPs stampede for the exits, shouting over their shoulders, it had nothing at all to do with the prospect of working under Crusher, who they get on with really, really well. Film head honchos become nervous about the instability of the project, disagreeing over the Trending Now series. They struggle with its classification, assessing it as cross genre with elements of political thriller, crime documentary, comedy, a drama based on a book ( Dirty Politics and Pull No Punches: Memoir of a Political Survivor) , but find the two main characters change too frequently for the viewer to care about or relate to. American backers of Natfix decide the show has seriously lost its plot, suggesting that what the series needs is more guns. Even though one of Crushers signature photographs of herself is of a pistol-packing Mamma firing a shot at a gun range, the producers scrap the Natfix project to do a spin-off series starring ACT leader David Seymour and prominent gun advocate Nicole McKee. Production starts immediately on the western called McKee and Mr Seymour , but comes to an abrupt halt when old gun-slinger Winton Peters smashes through the set yelling, NZ Firsts the only 5 per cent in this town. Viewers and media, completely exhausted by the revolving door of character actors, gag for a cup of tea and a lie down to buy them enough time to read the fine print on their contracts, only to discover its eight long weeks before theyre able to cancel their subscriptions.