'Dear would-be candidate, do you pinky-promise that you are telling the truth?'
Andrew Gunn is a Christchurch-based film and television scriptwriter, and columnist. OPINION/SATIRE: Welcome to National Party Headquarters! So youve decided to apply for selection as a candidate . Thats great! Before you proceed to your interview, please fill out this pre-interview screening questionnaire to cover our butts/ensure you are the right fit for the job. Question 1: Are you A bloke? A lady? Something else? If you answered a) a bloke then well done! Proceed directly to Question 2. READ MORE: * Poem shared by National candidate 'disgusting', disrespectful to Ardern, MPs say * National candidate Stephen Jack resigns after sharing a poem likening Jacinda Ardern to Adolf Hitler * 'Crass' post about young women doesn't reflect National's candidate vetting Luxon * How an offensive joke reveals a problem with how National chooses its MPs * Christopher Luxon faces a real challenge in National Party selection If you answered c) Something else then we are required by our lawyers to tell you that the National Party welcomes a diverse range of candidates and takes its responsibilities pursuant to the Human Rights Act 1993 very seriously. Having said that, come on. Read the room. If you answered b) a lady: are you prepared to stand in the back row of a press conference nodding empathetically while a male National Party candidate expresses regret for acts of violence in the past and adds that he has changed a lot since then? If your answer is No then we regret to advise that your values do not match those of the New Zealand National Party. Please return your lanyard and leave the building immediately. If your answer is Yes then congratulations! You have passed the pre-interview screening test. You may go immediately to your interview. Wear something nice. You are now in the blokes-only section, which usually means the chance for some informal networking and speaking freely without some snowflake misinterpreting what you say. But in this questionnaire it just means a few more questions that we need you to tick the box on before your interview: Question 2: How do you like your women? If your answer was anything at all apart from Equal then return to Question 2 and keep answering it until you say the right thing. You may have unlimited attempts. Question 3: Get up from your seat and go directly to the Mens bathroom. Look in the mirror and keep repeating The National Party takes climate change very seriously until you can do so without visibly smirking. Return to your seat and proceed to Question 4. Question 4: At the beginning of todays pre-screening process you were issued with a National Party mobile phone. If you have managed to avoid texting send nudes or taking photographs of your genitals then proceed to Question 5. Otherwise, use the hand sanitiser provided, return the phone and leave the building immediately. Question 5: If we looked on your Facebook page right now, would there be anything that could be embarrassing for you or us? (Examples might include, say, drawing comparisons between a New Zealand prime minister and one of historys most reviled and murderous dictators ). If your answer is Yes then delete your social media post and feel free to reapply for candidate selection in the next round. If your answer is No do you pinky-promise that you are telling the truth? The selection committee are technologically-challenged and do not understand how to use The Google, so were relying on you. If you do so pinky-promise, then congratulations! You seem just the sort of chap were after. Hand in this form and go to the next room where youll be fitted with the standard dark blue suit-jacket and trou , and regulation tie-less white shirt. And good luck in the interview - not that youll need it! Wink wink!